Friday, December 31, 2010

Day 55 of 365

What an amazing birthday! Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 54 of 365

Hmm seems that sometimes if I update by text it doesn't come through. My post said "Looking forward to 38 because I know it will just keep getting better from here!"

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 53 of 365

We are on our way home from returning Miss Lizzy to her mum.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Day 52 of 365

We are leaving in just a bit to drive to Ballinger to exchange kids. I have missed Emmy like crazy and will be so glad to have her home. She has sounded so sad on the phone these past few days. Ready to snuggle her up!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Day 51 of 365

Had a great day with Lizzy and Zach. I am really not looking forward to the drive tomorrow. I will miss Zach so very much. I hate that our time went by so quickly :(

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day 50 of 365

We are driving home from Hobbs after picking Lizzy up in Angelo. I had a wonderful time with family and looking forward to spending some time with Lizzy now as well. As much as I enjoyed being away, I am ready to be home. I can hear my bed calling out for me. I feel so very blessed.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Day 49 of 365

The three most beautiful words I have heard in about six months: "Merry Christmas, Mom"

Friday, December 24, 2010

Day 48

Have had a most amazing day with my family. I couldn't have been more pleased with the day.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Day 47 of 365

Getting ready to head out the door for our Christmas vacation. So excited to see everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Day 46 of 365

Had a great morning with my Zach man as we went on a quest in Waco. We completed our mission and took the scenic route to get back home. Then we found out that Jim doesn't have to work tomorrow and we would be able to leave early except for the fact that Kyle is closing at work so we can't pick him up until after 10. Oh well, still looking forward to spending time with my guys in the morning :) We will head to Hobbs and enjoy our weekend.

My honey gave me a beautiful cross necklace for Christmas. I love it!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 45 of 365

My Christmas wish and prayer were answered today. I will be spending Christmas Even with all of the important men in my life. Thank you, God!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 44 of 365

Had a great day with my guys! Finished up almost all the shopping then came home and I made chicken fajitas for supper. YUMMO! Missing my Emmy so much, though. She sounded really sad on the phone but kept saying she was just tired. Hope that is all it is, don't like her to be sad. Eight days and she will be home, but then Zach will be gone :( Loving every minute he is here.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 43 of 365

Had a great day! Zach asked me to do Christmas baking and candy making with him so we did some of that today and will do more tomorrow. It's so good to have him home. I have missed him like crazy. He got a magic kit for Christmas and has been working on fooling us. He's always gonna be my silly boy, no matter how old he gets!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 42 of 365

Today was a great day! We got to sleep in (and I actually SLEPT) and then we got up, showered and headed to Waco. We had brunch at Golden Corral and then Jim and I got PEDICURES! Yes together, we got pedicures. He never saw a point before, kinda thought it was a waste of money. I think he understands now! We did some Christmas shopping with Zach (he looked around while we did pedicures) and then headed home. Zach and I shaved MOST of Shadow, will finish tomorrow as he was done sitting still. He looks kinda funny with his body shaved and his legs and head all furry LOL. Then I laid back in the chair and took a little nap while he and Jim watched a movie. It was such a relaxing day. Having Zach here is always good for my soul :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Breathe deep

Just keep breathing deep. He didn't really do that, did he? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Day 41 of 365

Well I just found out that as of yesterday, I am officially divorced from the man I married three times. Ironically, our 3rd divorce happened on the 10th anniversary of our 2nd marriage. I'm sure there is some symbolism in there someplace. I feel a certain amount of relief at the end of this long long journey. I just hope that the rest of the people involved feel some relief and can find ways to let go of the past and move forward to be happy. That's all I have to say right now.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Day 40 of 365

Had someone send me an email asking why I hadn't posted. The answer is simple, I did....sorta. I wrote the posts but was having a very emotional couple of days and saved them as files. I was trying to decide if they were too personal to share, then I said hey, this is my journal and the only people who really even know about it are the ones I love and care about and if I can't share with them, then who can I share with anyway? Soooo I will be cutting and pasting them into this blog format and backdating them to the time I saved them. Read me, love me and be supportive or don't say anything at all :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Day 39 of 365

Why can't some people look in the mirror and see what's going on in their own "situation" instead of trying to focus all of the anger and frustration on my "situation"? Love you, but please do your part.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Day 38 of 365

I woke up this morning after getting barely any sleep the past few days. I know I have said it often over the last month or so but I am just so tired. Not sleeping much isn't helping, but I really believe it is more than that. I mentioned before that Jim seems to think I am going through early menopause. I don't know if that is it or not, but I am sure living all the symptoms. When I think about this I just get so pissed off. I am too young for it and yet had that idiotic doctor done his job, I would have been thrown into early menopause 3 1/2 years ago and would be done with the damn symptoms by now. Why is it that I am still so pissed off about the whole surgery situation? It's a fact of life, it happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. That whole deal just really hurt me mentally and physically. Mentally I sank into such a deep depression. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was just so far beyond my control. I was hurting so very much. I locked myself in my "woman cave" to avoid sharing my hurt with my children and husband at the time. I didn't want them to see me so upset and low. In locking myself away, I went from letting what the doctor did hurt them to what I was doing hurt them. They shouldn't have been hurting at all, but certainly not by my actions. By the time I did start to come out of it, I looked around and realized how quickly time was flying by me. I dedicated myself to getting Kyle to Europe and didn't think about much else. I worked my butt off subbing at school in the classroom and in the office. It was unfortunate that I had to be in the office because Melody was so sick, but it gave me steady work to keep the check coming in to make sure we could get him to experience this wonderful opportunity. When I wasn't working at school I was working to make truffles or bake cakes or pies or cookies, or whatever it took for bake sales to get the job done. I felt like where I had been lacking in mothering, I was making up for it now. Then this past year Kyle threw in my face that I had never been a mother to him. I may not have been the best mother ever, but I loved and nurtured him in every way that I could. We try to do better than our parents did and for a lot of people, they had supermom. I did not. I had to grow up early due to mom's mental illness so I didn't have the best role model for mothering. I did what I could as I could. No one can say I didn't love my children, I don't care what they say. I may not have been as good at the physical mothering but the emotional was always there. My heart has been broken a thousand times over this year by the loss of connection with Kyle. I have cried over it pretty much every day. I have tried to honor his wishes of not having a relationship with me right now to the best of my ability. How can I help him heal if he won't let me in? How are we supposed to either heal the our relationship, or at least let him come to a point where he can get some real closure if we can't talk about the big stuff? If I didn't love him, I would just walk away completely, I wouldn't be mourning what is essentially the loss of my son. I love all my children, each one more in different ways.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Day 37 of 365

Here it is the end of the day and I still haven't posted about our weekend. Today was a mentally exhausting one, and although that sounds like an excuse, it is a good one. More tomorrow.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day 36 of 365

We are driving back from Angelo. I will post tomorrow qbout our busy weekend.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Day 35 of 365

OMG I feel like I could go to bed and sleep a week. We did the supper thing (pizza), then had extreme chocolate truffle cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Next it was present time and then the balloon pop game. Now the girls are giggling up a storm in the bedroom and Jim and I look like we have been through the ringer LOL Tomorrow would be a restful day except for the fact that we have to drive to San Angelo and back. Ready for Christmas break for sure! Have Emily's Christmas program then her Christmas party the next day. Have Jim's luncheon to make margarita truffles for this week as well. Ready for bed NOW

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 34 of 365

Been working my butt off all day long today. My feet are so swollen they look like elephant feet. Met one of Emmy's friends and her mom today since we are having the slumber party tomorrow. Then the girls decided to ask if she could stay the night. I said yes and they are behaving well. Love my angel, but sure ready for the party to be over already lol

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day 33 of 365

Busy and Tired

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Day 32 of 365

So so tired. I had a nice visit with Bill earlier today as he stopped by and stayed a few hours. I also made a ton of ornaments. Tomorrow I have to go to Waco and pick up party stuff and then come home and clean like a mad woman!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 31 of 365

Have been freezing all day. Straightened up the house and made Christmas ornaments today. Don't have much to say these days.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Day 30 of 365

I was so dang tired last night that when I went to send my post to my blog from my phone I saved it in my drafts instead of sending it. I am going to back date this entry. Here is what it said:

Back of my neck is so dang tight tonight, I hate this. Took a muscle relaxer to try and get it to loosen up before bed. Here's hoping I can sleep :(

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Day 29 of 365

On our way to pick up Emmy Lou! We had a great breakfast at Sister's this morning and then went home to clean and wrap Christmas presents! Tomorrow will be writing out cards day and making our homemade ornaments for the exchange!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Day 28 of 365

Today was wonderful. Woke up in the arms of the man that I love with ever fiber of my being. Spent some good snuggle time, took a shower together, then got dressed and headed to Waco. We had brunch then got some Christmas shopping done. Came home to a package from Laurel with the homemade ornament she made for me :) Love good days!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Damn these mood swings :(
Got to thank the good Lord above for eye candy that makes you shiver!

Day 27 of 365

I just love how some people try to tell you what should and should not happen in your home. Yet if you mention anything about what should happen in their home, they FREAK OUT and act like you are the most controlling person in the world. HA! Look in the mirror :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Day 26 of 365

For some reason, these days I seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Jim thinks it may be early menopause. I have hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings and seem to ache for much of the time. Maybe it is early menopause. The funny thing is that even when I am crying during mood swings, I am still happier than I have ever been. I started taking the B12 sublinguals again today, hoping that may at least help with the energy issue. I have been taking the shots like clockwork, but I think I need a little boost.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 25 of 365

Planning to add in more B12 tomorrow. I just can't keep doing this no energy thing :(

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Day 24 of 365

I am just so very tired.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 23 of 365

Had a long wonderful relaxing day with my honey. It was some much needed quiet time, for sure!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day 22 of 365

We are driving back to Marlin after having Lizzie for a long weekend. Glad to have her. Have to do the drive again on Friday to take Em to Eden. Soooooo tired!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Day 21 of 365

It may seem like I am cheating but I'm not. I posted from my phone yesterday but didn't notice that it didn't go through until I looked at this now. So I am going to back date it for yesterday and copy exactly what I texted:

Having a great "Thanksgiving" day with the girls. I cooked a big lunch for Jim, Lizzy, Emmy and myself. Now we are going to the Brazos and the park for them to play. Will put the tree up later and watch movies!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 20 of 365

The last few days posts have been very short as we were out of town. We are back now after enjoying time with family. I sure missed my boys something fierce. Things just weren't the same. We stopped in Angelo and brought Lizzy back with us today so the girls have been having a good time together. I am making another Thanksgiving dinner for us for tomorrow. I made the pies, the dressing, the deviled eggs and the sweet potatoes tonight to cut down on how much I have to do tomorrow. Should be a fun weekend.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day 19 of 365

great day with family :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 18 of 365

Enjoying our time with family. Really tired though.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Day 17 of 365

Up to my eyeballs in laundry and packing. Gotta love the holiday!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 16 of 365

One very long glad it's over.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 15 of 365

Driving down the road with my baby on our way to pick up our Emmy. Can't wait to see Zach. I miss my kiddo something fierce! Taking him a small surprise that has significance to the two of us.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Day 14 of 365

Just came back from a nice night out with my honey. Instead of writing about it now, I`m going to cuddle up with him and write about it tomorrow :)

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 13 of 365

Insert a few choice words about the inability of some people to be civil. Insert a few more choice words about how people don't understand that when you call people names and use vulgar language it doesn't show how smart they are, it only shows how hateful they are. There comes a time when you learn to let go of hostility and find a way to move on, either on your own or with the assistance of a therapist, in order to live your life to the fullest.

Thank you, God, for helping me to move past the bitterness and wish only good things to come to even the people that consider themselves my enemy. Let Your glory shine on them so that they may also learn this lesson and seek not to hurt others with their words but to live each day as if it were their last and cherish every moment.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day 12 of 365

Short post to keep up with my post a day.

Today I have spent the entire day dizzy and in pain. Seems all the drainage from my head has made its way into my left ear where it is creating all kinds of havoc. It is swollen and wet and nasty. Hoping I wake up tomorrow with it all better. Goodnight all.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day 11 of 365

Today has been much more productive than any in the past week or so. I managed to clean out the fridge, run the washer a couple times, make the bed, empty the dishwasher, clean the bathrooms and put away some laundry. I still need to refill the dishwasher and do the rest of the laundry. Oh and I still need to go to the grocery store and make supper, but I promised Emmy I would wait for her to go to the store. She likes to get "buddy bucks" from the cashier and then play the HEB kids game. She will be 11 next month but is the size of a 15 year old so they always kinda look at her a little sideways. I like that there are parts of her that are still so innocent. Although after she got home yesterday, I was ready to pull my hair out. For some reason she was having a bad attitude day. Seemed like everything she said came with a snotty or whiny tone. Dear Lord, we are NOT ready for periods yet so I hope that isn't what it is. I finally told her to go to bed. She went in, turned off her light and got in bed. I went in a bit later and said, hey why is the light off? You didn't wait for me. You see, we still do the tucking in thing every night. She was crying. She said you told me to go to bed. I said yes, but that didn't mean I wasn't tucking you in, silly girl. She was clearly upset. So I had her get back out of her bunk bed and let me love on her. Made us both feel better. When I went in to wake her up this morning, she high fived me before she got out of bed. Guess sleep made the attitude go away LOL

Okay, on to more chores!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 10 of 365

So yesterday I started feeling like crap. My head is all stuffy, throat is sore and scratchy, head is pounding. Ah yes, I recognize these symptoms. It seems I have gone and gotten myself a full blown cold. Emmy has been fighting the miniature version of this cold for a few days. I pumped her full of dayquil and sent her off to school. I know as the winter wears on she will get more colds that will be much worse so I try to keep her in school as much as possible when it is just the sniffles and cough. Here's hoping we both get to feeling better very soon.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the holidays. Last year the kids were with me for Thanksgiving and then with the ex for the first part of Christmas break, then back to me for the second half. We are supposed to reverse that for this year. With that being said, Thanksgiving is just a bit over a week away. I am trying to decide what to do about it. Normally, we spend Thanksgiving at my brother's house. Problem is that now we are further away and it will just be Jim and I if we go. We are supposed to take Emily that Tuesday evening to meet her Daddy, then come back to Marlin so Jim can be at work on Wednesday morning. If we have to do that, it will be 7 hours of driving on Tuesday, then if we go to Hobbs, we will turn around and drive 8 hours on Wednesday and again on Sunday. Jim is trying to see if he can take a vacation day on Wednesday so that we could just head on to Hobbs Tuesday evening and only drive 16 hours total for the holiday instead of 23. Seems like so much driving, but considering that November is my worst month, I think I could use spending some time away from our usual routine.

Okay, my head is about to explode so I suppose that is all for today. Here's to a quick recovery!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 9 of 365

I have been contemplating since I got out of bed what the topic of today's post will be. I guess a good place to start would be my personality. I think I have one of those personalities that you either love or you hate. I think I evoke strong feelings in people either way. I am a tell it like it is kind of person and come from a long line of those. I don't like to hurt people's feelings, but I don't sugar coat things either. If you come to me and want my opinion, boy you better hold on because you are going to get it. But in the same token, I expect the same from the people around me. Oh I may get my feelings hurt if you tell it like it is, but I can go in the corner and lick my wounds, put my big girl panties back on and come back to hash it all out. I will have much more respect for you that way. Now along with the "tell it like it is personality" also comes the "I am stubborn as a mule and my way is the right way" side of things. I know this one isn't as favorable, but it is there all the same. BUT, if I see that your way of doing something really is better, I have no problem saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong and you were right". My patience may run thin often, but I am working on that one. Hey, we all need something to strive for in this big old world. I try to be a good listener and think I am most times, but sometimes with my multi-tasking personality comes the thought from others that I'm not paying attention to them. Sometimes it is just that my mind is already two steps ahead. My mantra for this year has been "BE HERE NOW" and I think overall I have done pretty well with that. I try to enjoy things as they happen and let them go if I have no control. Unfortunately there are people in my life that insist on trying to push me into certain actions because they feel they know how things should be and what I should be doing to make it that way. To these people I say, had I wanted your opinion, I would have certainly asked, and giving me your opinion over and over on different days isn't going to make it happen. Sometimes you just have to love people and overlook their need to "be helpful".

Wow, not sure where all of that came from. Okay I may have an idea of where it came from but thought it was going to stay buried for a little while longer.

Another pet peeve: People who forget that you have made an appointment with them. Emily and I made plans to go to the nursing home this past Saturday and do arts and crafts with the wiser folks. We were set to arrive at 10. We got there about 9:45 and the activities director never showed up. Now mind you, I had already purchased all the supplies and put together the frames. GRRRR So today I have to call this lady and find out what the heck happened.

I think that is enough for today.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 8 of 365

I got out of bed by 7 this morning and played on the computer a bit. Then Miss Emmy and I snuggled up on the couch and watched Grown Ups. After it was over, I made brunch. My honey had requested French Toast for this morning so I made Green's maple bacon, eggs and french toast. I love to cook but sometimes I get frustrated trying to time things so everything makes it to the table at the same time and is still hot. I suppose that will always be an issue with me. I also get frustrated when I take a long time making a meal (not this morning) and fill it with love and then we manage to gobble it down in 10-15 minutes. We do always eat together as it is something I insist on happening. Also, no one gets up from the table until we are all done. I value this time we share. I do love to prepare things for my loved ones. I also love trying out new recipes. Today I am planning to make Pecan Pie Muffins. If they turn out as delicious as they look in the picture, then I will be making another batch for the women that Jim works with. I usually make something for them every week. It's getting to be the holiday time, and like it or not, I always make way too much. There are just so many things I like to make during the holidays, so thankfully there are lots of people to share at his work.

When Jim got home Friday night, and we were on our way out for dinner, Emily told him how glad she was that he was home. Then he said "Me, too, Sweets". I thought it was sweet. Then she popped out with "Afterall, I can't take care of Mommy all the time." We both busted out laughing. She is such a sweetheart. We sure have enjoyed having him back home.

I suppose the rest of the day will be spent switching between cooking, movies, cleaning and playing games with the family. Hoping it's a good one!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 7 of 365

What a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. The smell of comfort food is filling our home. I am one blessed woman. Today I am thankful that my family is happy and healthy.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 6 of 365

What a great day! Spent the morning playing spades with my p and then video chatting with her. Had a nice hot shower and put my face on. Now waiting to hear from my honey that he is on his way home to us. Tonight we will go out to a yummy supper and then snuggle up on the couch. I love my life!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 5 of 365

I have a headache, a case of the "I don't want to's" and the "I miss him's". Combine that with leftovers and no ice cream. I don't see this being a good evening. Thank goodness for Grey's Anatomy tonight, otherwise the night would be a total bust.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 4 of 365

Jim left yesterday for his class in Denton. So for the next 3 days it is just me and my angel girl, Emmy. It felt so strange having supper without him last night. Emily is the one that mentioned how it didn't feel right having supper without him. We will both be glad to have our Brat home. We did get to video chat last night and this morning. Thank goodness as it makes the miles not seem quite so far apart. Sleeping alone is not my strong point either. Oh, I wasn't entirely alone, mind you. I had two four legged creatures taking up most of the bed. To be so little, they sure take up a great deal of space. Tonight, Emily has requested a sleepover. She wants to sleep with me so I guess we will have a girl's night. It's Survivor night and we do love our Survivor!

On Saturday, Emily and I will be going to do a special project with the wiser generation at our local "old folks home". We have been planning it for awhile and am so glad we can do something with them. It's hard for Emmy not having a grandparent nearby. I know I wish my kids had the kind of relationship with any of their grandparents that I had with my grandma. I miss her so. This month will be 8 years since she passed. Hard to believe it has been that long. I still talk to her often and find that if I will just pay attention, she talks back as well. She was such a special lady.

Not sure what we will do with the rest of our weekend. Maybe just make it a movie weekend. I am sure Jim will just be glad to be home! I know that for today, and the rest of the week, I will be working on tidying up our home. Since I was so sick last week and then the others were sick at the beginning of this one, it could use some cleaning, disinfecting and airing out. Those are my goals.

Enough for now, on to clean my house....15 minutes at a time!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

If nothing else gets posted today, at least I had the best of intentions with this sentence. Day 3 of 365

Monday, November 8, 2010

Day 2 of 365

I sit here, in the middle of the afternoon when I am normally all alone, surrounded by sick sleeping people. Seems that I gave my nasty tummy bug to my loved ones. OOPS! I feel bad because I know how much it sucks, but at least they are resting. Jim is supposed to go out of town tomorrow for class, not to return until Friday. Hoping he is feeling well enough because he has to go regardless.

So as the title suggests, I am going to try doing this journal everyday for a year thing. I think I should set my phone alarm for the same time everyday so I at least start thinking about what my topic du jour will be. I can do this! I can do anything! I am woman, hear me ROAR.....meow :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Finally Posting

Yesterday was the 21st anniversary of when I lost my first child. I find it funny that I posted last year about the baby, and had only posted one public entry in this blog since that time. I have always found that I don't take the time to write nearly enough. When I write, I ALWAYS feel better. There is no exception to this rule. If I am stressed and will sit down and write it out, if even for only my eyes, then I always feel a sense of peace. On my bucket list, one of the items is to write in my journal/blog every day for one year. This is one of the few things that requires nothing but time. It will not cost a penny. It has been on there for about six months now and yet I haven't done it. Hello, my name is Liz, and I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator. We can talk about that later, though. Okay, yes, I did do that on purpose, but if you are reading this, then you must have been in the mood for a giggle anyway :) Nothing like throwing in a little joke to lighten the mood a bit, especially before attacking a more serious subject. I actually sent myself a text on Thursday night to write about the subject that is to follow. That was 3 days ago. So here I sit, in a dark, cold house, while everyone else is sleeping, about to pour my soul out to my slice of the internet.

Most people who know me well, know that 1998 is often referred to by me as my "year of hell". Although there were a few good things that happened that year, mostly it was filled with heartache and sorrow. This entry is not to go over every event that occurred, but rather to talk about one of the few that hit me the hardest and has stayed with me all these years. On May 15, 1998 I was raped.

This past Thursday night, there was an episode of Private Practice in which one of the characters was severely beaten and raped. I sat there, watching this television program, my heart aching, and having flashbacks of my own experience all those years ago. By the end of the program, I decided to analyze what my main emotion was at that moment. Was it sadness for that which was lost? No. Was it anger for what that man did to me? No. It was guilt. Guilt. I felt guilty that the person on the program endured so much. She had many broken bones, open wounds, looked like what you would expect a victim of a violent attack would look like. She told only one person that she was raped. She planned to endure it alone. This woman was a medical professional, she knew better than to keep it a secret, but that was her choice. My rape wasn't as violent as the one on TV. I had no broken bones, the only scars I endured were emotional. A man once had the audacity to tell me that, in fact, I should just refer to it as a "bad sexual experience" and get over it. Needless to say, I never spoke to them again. I was raped. If a woman says no at ANY point and a man continues anyway, when her objection is loud and obvious, it is rape. Rape is not about sex, it is about power. When I went home that night, I did not tell my husband. In fact, I didn't tell him until 7 months later when we were getting divorced. I did not report this man to the authorities. Without going into the details, I could tell this wasn't his first rodeo. This man raped me. His was an employee at the post office. To this day, 12 years later, I start shaking inside when I have to walk into a post office. At least I can now, there was a point during this time that I would break out in a cold sweat and leave because I couldn't stand it. I have gone through cycles in my life since this happened where I felt like I had it all worked out, dealt with, gone through, and I was just fine. But it always comes back to haunt me sooner or later. This is one of those things that no matter how you try, you just don't ever forget it.

So I sit here now, still in the dark, wrapped in a penguin blanket from my BFF feeling a bit cleansed from once again pouring my heart out about something that has been bugging me for a few days. Maybe someday I will be able to check off that item on my bucket list. Maybe in a year....

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Somedays I just can't win. If I try to be helpful I am told I am stirring the pot. If I try to stand back and let things work themselves out, I am uninvolved. How am I supposed to know what to do? The past three days I have been a huge basketcase and I don't know how I am going to come out of it. Seems like no matter what I do or say it is just the wrong thing. I can't stop crying. I burst out in tears for what seems like no good reason whatsoever. I feel like I am watching so many things go wrong and I have no control over any of them. All I want is to feel normal again. This weeks episode seemed to start with the kids being here this weekend. We had a wonderful time. Everyone was happy, or so it seemed. When the boys got back to their small west Texas home it seems they had a huge blow up fight. Somehow it seems that is all my fault. It is always all my fault, no matter what they do or say. Unless of course it is something positive and then it couldn't be because of any influence I have had on them. "The Ex" is talking about sending our middle child to a Boys Ranch. He is having some pretty big emotional issues right now and is acting out. I think he just needs some individual attention which he can't get there because there are too many other things going on at his home. Our home is a much calmer environment and I think would be more conducive to him being able to relax and think things through rationally. I think he would find the peace he is seeking and he and I could work through the issues that he may have with me. Of course, should I suggest this, then it would be a horrible idea. Yet should the idea come from "The Ex" or the backwoods country bumpkin he is semi-shacked up with then it would be the most wonderful idea since the light bulb. I need to put a call in to MC's therapist to let him know what is going on these days. This is just ridiculous. The BWCB thinks she can control everything with my children. She has another thing coming if she thinks that is true.