So it has been 11 days since I posted. So much for everyday! I was laying in bed this morning trying so hard to fall back asleep but I had a million thoughts circling around in my gray matter. I finally decided I better just get up and write, otherwise neither Jim nor I were going to get any sleep. Here I am!
On Friday, I was given some life altering information for which I had been waiting. I am not quite ready to share the information with the world, but I do need to write about it. Those that it really pertains to know already. This information was bittersweet. At least we had confirmation of what we knew was possible for years, but the information hurt some people. It shouldn't really, as nothing has or will change in the "big picture" and yet, it very well may for some. There are two possible roads to go down with this new information. One would be very okay and I believe would be well accepted for all involved. The other I think has the high possibility of being more destructive than the initial knowledge. Although it is ultimately my choice about whether to go down either road, the person that it changed things for most is requesting that I do. I can't really blame them. I do understand. I think that if it is the first road that leads to the path of truth, things would be okay for everyone. However if road number two is the ultimate truth, I think that the person requesting the additional information would end up being hurt beyond belief because of what lies behind door number two. Maybe I am underestimating the requesters ability to deal with what I believe would happen. Maybe I am underestimating the conscience of what lies behind door number two. I am just not sure. As the person that holds the keys to the doors, I feel like I have to honor the wishes of the person it affects the most. If I were in their shoes, I would want to know as well. The question then becomes, how do I approach the whole situation, aside from with kid gloves. Both roads knew there may come a day when I would come driving down their roads, requesting knowledge and acknowledgement. For years all involved had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary, hoping that the hub was the truth. Now what? With the holidays approaching, I am inclined to just leave it be and yet, something within me knows that isn't fair for the requester. I need some guidance on this one. Lord, my ears are open and my mouth is shut. I'm dropping my request in my "God can" this morning and hoping that you will help the opportunity present itself.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tomorrow marks 20 years since I lost my first baby. It took 10 years for me to stop crying all day long on that day. Now I sit back and think, I would have a 19 year old right now. 19! Kyle is 16 and it already makes me sad thinking about him going off to college and being an adult. On the anniversary of my first miscarriage I often sit and wonder about the first baby that wasn't meant to be mine. The only way for me to make it through is to remind myself that God thought that baby was just too pure to be here in this big bad world, too perfect. I often sit and wonder what that child would have been like. Boy or girl? Blue eyes or green? Would they want to go to college or explore Europe first for a year? Would they be like me or their father? Would they want to save the world or make a million? So many unanswered what if's, things that I will never know. My heart and arms ache to hold my three living children, they ache to hold the two that never made it far enough to have arms to hug me back. I got a tattoo last year to honor a few different things in my life.
My ancestors were beekeepers in England. My maiden last name is Bigbee. I had 5 children, 3 living and 2 miscarriages. They are all honored here. The two little ones that never made it are honored with angel wings and halos.
It's funny, talking about angels. When I think about angels, I think of my grandmother looking down from heaven in beautiful white robes, watching over me. I talk to her often and know she is around because I have had signs. However, I never think about the babies looking down. I wonder if they even know I was supposed to be their mother. I wonder if someday, when I go to meet my Maker, if they will be there to recognize me. Will I finally get the chance to hold them in my arms? At this point, only God knows.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
So we had gone to Waco on Monday to pick up one of Jim's checks and to pick up a few things at Wal-mart. We are having a pretty good day, okay a really good day. He stops to look at some grills and I wander into the holiday department, where they have already set up the Christmas trees. As I walked into the area, it smelled like Christmas. I know that sounds strange, but there was a wonderful cinnamony scent coming from the bags of pine cones and I started feeling an intense amount of joy. I was walking around looking at all these beautiful Christmas tree and I felt so happy. I don't mean that I just felt happy, but I felt a sense of peace come over me and I felt so much comfort and elation. I don't know where it came from, but I started having tears flowing from my eyes, right there in the middle of the garden center at Wal-Mart. Jim walked in and found me a few minutes later and at first didn't notice my "moment" but then as he was pointing out some snowflake decorations, I looked right at him and he had this "you silly girl" look on his face. I rushed into his arms and held on tight while I let intense tears of joy drip from my eyes and onto his face and shoulder. I felt blessed, really really blessed. I never realized it was possible to love someone this much before, at least not this completely. Thank you, God, for leading Jim to Crane.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Okay, it may sound a little cheesy to some, but Emily and I revived one of our old traditions. Whenever we were missing each other, we would make plans before bed to meet in our dreams that night. Since she is in Crane, and I am in Marlin, we have been planning these trips every night lately. We spend about a half hour talking about whatever destination we have decided to go to in our dream. We talk about what we will do, what we will eat, what we will see. We plan every detail of the trip. I then post pictures of our "trip" on our facebook accounts so we will always remember the wonderful time we had while visiting at night in our dreams. You can see these pictures here->http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2038720&id=1101392362&l=a1940ebca8 . We have such a wonderful time on these trips. It is a great way for us to keep building memories together, no matter how far apart we are. iI highly encourage each of you to plan a few dream dates of your own!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Okay, so it's the little things in life that I do, and should, cherish the most. I made a fabulous lunch today with penne, homemade sauce and this yummy four cheese Italian sausage cut up in it. It rocked! As homemade sauce always does though, it made a mess on the stove. After we were done eating, I cleaned my kitchen and did the dishes. As I was cleaning the stove, I found myself SMILING! I don't mean a slight upturn of the lips, I mean genuinely bursting with happiness and glowing smile! It was wonderful! Imagine, being thrilled at cleaning the stove. Never in my life has this happened to me. When I caught myself, I thought "hmm what the heck?" then I looked around. I was feeling truly blessed and thankful for my surroundings. For the first time in my life, I have enough counter space to leave out all of my small appliances! I never imagined that happening. I have a wonderful man in my life that loves me with every fiber of his being and who appreciates me for who I am. I have 3 beautiful thriving kids that, although they aren't with me, provide me countless amounts of joy and I can't wait to see them again. I have friends that care enough to tell me that they have never seen me glow so much, and I know they mean it. I have a wonderful best friend that just last week sent me a great "thinking of you" package that brightened may day even more. I am blessed far more than I deserve, but I will take it anyway and try with all my soul to never take my life for granted ever again!
After a move 6 hours and halfway across the state, I decided it's time for a new journal. New beginnings are what my life is about right now. So many changes that it's hard to keep up. Will do my best to try though! Whether you were given this link or just stumbled upon it, welcome! Feel free to stop back often, let me know you are peeking, or just lurch in the background and be a voyeur. Either way, I am glad you are here.