Thursday, March 17, 2016

My world in pieces

Once again, I find myself drawn to the keyboard when under a tremendous amount of stress.  I am not ready to actually write about "the incident" so for now, it will simply be referred to as the incident.  Never in my life, did I imagine we would find ourselves in this situation.  It is just about the last thing I would have expected.  My heart is broken, shattered into so many pieces, I don''t know if it will ever be repaired.  I find myself in a very difficult position, and yet with a chrystal clear choice to make.  Not really a choice, it is just what will happen.  When we are faced with a situation like we are in now, you do what you have to do.  Although I wish we could go back and prevent it from happening, I pray that God will give us the resources and energy to face what we are about to face.  What do you do when you know that soon you are going to have to look evil in the face?  What do you do when you know that it is in the best interest of everyone to keep your mouth shut and yet, why?  Why can't you tell someone exactly what you think of them when they have done such a wretched thing?  I want answers, knowing full well that there can't possibly be any that would satisfy the questions. I don't understand.  I want to grab them by the shoulders and say how?  How could you possibly do this?  What is missing in you that you would think this is okay?  It's not, it never will be. 

I don't care what you experienced as a child, you made the same choice, over and over after being advised against it by every sane person you know.  You are a stubborn, selfish bitch.  Your stubbornness nearly ended a miracle before it got started good. You are lower than low.  At first I thought it was just you being young, but it isn't.  I saw the pictures, no one could tell me that you can't see what the situation was.  You were doing it on purpose, if I ever doubted that before, I don't now.  That was just plain cruel.  I see you posting on Facebook and acting like everything is totally normal.  Like nothing has happened, like our intersected world hasn't been turned upside down.  It has!  The fact that you are behaving as though it hasn't, speaks volumes as to your prior intentions.  I knew all along that something must have been wrong.  Most people in the beginning part of the situation, are thrilled at the circumstances.  They shout it from the rooftops and post pictures all over the place showing their beautiful situation.  Not you, you hid him away.  I didn't know why then, but now I believe you never wanted the situation to happen. 

I am just as angry with you, but so very hurt.  I know you were raised better than that.  I know you used to be a loving, nurturing person.  I don't even know you anymore.  I know you were letting her have her way, but it was your duty to stand up for what I have to believe you knew was the right thing.  I have to believe that you saw what was happening.  Anyone could see what was happening. Why didn't you stand up to her?  Why didn't you insist?  What is missing in your heart that you didn't take care of this before it got so bad? Where did I go wrong?  How did I miss it?  I have to believe that you are not a heartless monster.  I love you, have told you your whole life how much I do.  That won't stop but I am so incredibly angry right now.  So hurt.  I have never cried so much in my whole life.  If you decide to walk away from her, I hope that the realization of what has really happened will smack you in the face.  Part of me hopes that happens, and part of me says that if you are a real person, you won't be able to live with what has happened.

I saw the pictures from the day this happened to 5 short days later.  I sobbed for so long after seeing the first picture. I praise God and the other people involved for helping to put this situation back together.  You don't deserve to have him returned.  You don''t deserve the miracle that you were blessed with.  We will take over where you never were.  We will provide the physical, emotional and financial support to make sure he never doubts for one second that he is loved and wanted.

You both deserve to be held accountable.  I am not the one to pass down the decision for how that should happen, but I assure you that as much as I love you, I will encourage the right people to take care of this.