Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 38 of 365
I woke up this morning after getting barely any sleep the past few days. I know I have said it often over the last month or so but I am just so tired. Not sleeping much isn't helping, but I really believe it is more than that. I mentioned before that Jim seems to think I am going through early menopause. I don't know if that is it or not, but I am sure living all the symptoms. When I think about this I just get so pissed off. I am too young for it and yet had that idiotic doctor done his job, I would have been thrown into early menopause 3 1/2 years ago and would be done with the damn symptoms by now. Why is it that I am still so pissed off about the whole surgery situation? It's a fact of life, it happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. That whole deal just really hurt me mentally and physically. Mentally I sank into such a deep depression. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was just so far beyond my control. I was hurting so very much. I locked myself in my "woman cave" to avoid sharing my hurt with my children and husband at the time. I didn't want them to see me so upset and low. In locking myself away, I went from letting what the doctor did hurt them to what I was doing hurt them. They shouldn't have been hurting at all, but certainly not by my actions. By the time I did start to come out of it, I looked around and realized how quickly time was flying by me. I dedicated myself to getting Kyle to Europe and didn't think about much else. I worked my butt off subbing at school in the classroom and in the office. It was unfortunate that I had to be in the office because Melody was so sick, but it gave me steady work to keep the check coming in to make sure we could get him to experience this wonderful opportunity. When I wasn't working at school I was working to make truffles or bake cakes or pies or cookies, or whatever it took for bake sales to get the job done. I felt like where I had been lacking in mothering, I was making up for it now. Then this past year Kyle threw in my face that I had never been a mother to him. I may not have been the best mother ever, but I loved and nurtured him in every way that I could. We try to do better than our parents did and for a lot of people, they had supermom. I did not. I had to grow up early due to mom's mental illness so I didn't have the best role model for mothering. I did what I could as I could. No one can say I didn't love my children, I don't care what they say. I may not have been as good at the physical mothering but the emotional was always there. My heart has been broken a thousand times over this year by the loss of connection with Kyle. I have cried over it pretty much every day. I have tried to honor his wishes of not having a relationship with me right now to the best of my ability. How can I help him heal if he won't let me in? How are we supposed to either heal the our relationship, or at least let him come to a point where he can get some real closure if we can't talk about the big stuff? If I didn't love him, I would just walk away completely, I wouldn't be mourning what is essentially the loss of my son. I love all my children, each one more in different ways.