Friday, December 31, 2010

Day 55 of 365

What an amazing birthday! Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Day 54 of 365

Hmm seems that sometimes if I update by text it doesn't come through. My post said "Looking forward to 38 because I know it will just keep getting better from here!"

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Day 53 of 365

We are on our way home from returning Miss Lizzy to her mum.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Day 52 of 365

We are leaving in just a bit to drive to Ballinger to exchange kids. I have missed Emmy like crazy and will be so glad to have her home. She has sounded so sad on the phone these past few days. Ready to snuggle her up!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Day 51 of 365

Had a great day with Lizzy and Zach. I am really not looking forward to the drive tomorrow. I will miss Zach so very much. I hate that our time went by so quickly :(

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Day 50 of 365

We are driving home from Hobbs after picking Lizzy up in Angelo. I had a wonderful time with family and looking forward to spending some time with Lizzy now as well. As much as I enjoyed being away, I am ready to be home. I can hear my bed calling out for me. I feel so very blessed.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Day 49 of 365

The three most beautiful words I have heard in about six months: "Merry Christmas, Mom"

Friday, December 24, 2010

Day 48

Have had a most amazing day with my family. I couldn't have been more pleased with the day.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Day 47 of 365

Getting ready to head out the door for our Christmas vacation. So excited to see everyone!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Day 46 of 365

Had a great morning with my Zach man as we went on a quest in Waco. We completed our mission and took the scenic route to get back home. Then we found out that Jim doesn't have to work tomorrow and we would be able to leave early except for the fact that Kyle is closing at work so we can't pick him up until after 10. Oh well, still looking forward to spending time with my guys in the morning :) We will head to Hobbs and enjoy our weekend.

My honey gave me a beautiful cross necklace for Christmas. I love it!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Day 45 of 365

My Christmas wish and prayer were answered today. I will be spending Christmas Even with all of the important men in my life. Thank you, God!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Day 44 of 365

Had a great day with my guys! Finished up almost all the shopping then came home and I made chicken fajitas for supper. YUMMO! Missing my Emmy so much, though. She sounded really sad on the phone but kept saying she was just tired. Hope that is all it is, don't like her to be sad. Eight days and she will be home, but then Zach will be gone :( Loving every minute he is here.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Day 43 of 365

Had a great day! Zach asked me to do Christmas baking and candy making with him so we did some of that today and will do more tomorrow. It's so good to have him home. I have missed him like crazy. He got a magic kit for Christmas and has been working on fooling us. He's always gonna be my silly boy, no matter how old he gets!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 42 of 365

Today was a great day! We got to sleep in (and I actually SLEPT) and then we got up, showered and headed to Waco. We had brunch at Golden Corral and then Jim and I got PEDICURES! Yes together, we got pedicures. He never saw a point before, kinda thought it was a waste of money. I think he understands now! We did some Christmas shopping with Zach (he looked around while we did pedicures) and then headed home. Zach and I shaved MOST of Shadow, will finish tomorrow as he was done sitting still. He looks kinda funny with his body shaved and his legs and head all furry LOL. Then I laid back in the chair and took a little nap while he and Jim watched a movie. It was such a relaxing day. Having Zach here is always good for my soul :)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Breathe deep

Just keep breathing deep. He didn't really do that, did he? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Day 41 of 365

Well I just found out that as of yesterday, I am officially divorced from the man I married three times. Ironically, our 3rd divorce happened on the 10th anniversary of our 2nd marriage. I'm sure there is some symbolism in there someplace. I feel a certain amount of relief at the end of this long long journey. I just hope that the rest of the people involved feel some relief and can find ways to let go of the past and move forward to be happy. That's all I have to say right now.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Day 40 of 365

Had someone send me an email asking why I hadn't posted. The answer is simple, I did....sorta. I wrote the posts but was having a very emotional couple of days and saved them as files. I was trying to decide if they were too personal to share, then I said hey, this is my journal and the only people who really even know about it are the ones I love and care about and if I can't share with them, then who can I share with anyway? Soooo I will be cutting and pasting them into this blog format and backdating them to the time I saved them. Read me, love me and be supportive or don't say anything at all :)

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Day 39 of 365

Why can't some people look in the mirror and see what's going on in their own "situation" instead of trying to focus all of the anger and frustration on my "situation"? Love you, but please do your part.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Day 38 of 365

I woke up this morning after getting barely any sleep the past few days. I know I have said it often over the last month or so but I am just so tired. Not sleeping much isn't helping, but I really believe it is more than that. I mentioned before that Jim seems to think I am going through early menopause. I don't know if that is it or not, but I am sure living all the symptoms. When I think about this I just get so pissed off. I am too young for it and yet had that idiotic doctor done his job, I would have been thrown into early menopause 3 1/2 years ago and would be done with the damn symptoms by now. Why is it that I am still so pissed off about the whole surgery situation? It's a fact of life, it happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. That whole deal just really hurt me mentally and physically. Mentally I sank into such a deep depression. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was just so far beyond my control. I was hurting so very much. I locked myself in my "woman cave" to avoid sharing my hurt with my children and husband at the time. I didn't want them to see me so upset and low. In locking myself away, I went from letting what the doctor did hurt them to what I was doing hurt them. They shouldn't have been hurting at all, but certainly not by my actions. By the time I did start to come out of it, I looked around and realized how quickly time was flying by me. I dedicated myself to getting Kyle to Europe and didn't think about much else. I worked my butt off subbing at school in the classroom and in the office. It was unfortunate that I had to be in the office because Melody was so sick, but it gave me steady work to keep the check coming in to make sure we could get him to experience this wonderful opportunity. When I wasn't working at school I was working to make truffles or bake cakes or pies or cookies, or whatever it took for bake sales to get the job done. I felt like where I had been lacking in mothering, I was making up for it now. Then this past year Kyle threw in my face that I had never been a mother to him. I may not have been the best mother ever, but I loved and nurtured him in every way that I could. We try to do better than our parents did and for a lot of people, they had supermom. I did not. I had to grow up early due to mom's mental illness so I didn't have the best role model for mothering. I did what I could as I could. No one can say I didn't love my children, I don't care what they say. I may not have been as good at the physical mothering but the emotional was always there. My heart has been broken a thousand times over this year by the loss of connection with Kyle. I have cried over it pretty much every day. I have tried to honor his wishes of not having a relationship with me right now to the best of my ability. How can I help him heal if he won't let me in? How are we supposed to either heal the our relationship, or at least let him come to a point where he can get some real closure if we can't talk about the big stuff? If I didn't love him, I would just walk away completely, I wouldn't be mourning what is essentially the loss of my son. I love all my children, each one more in different ways.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Day 37 of 365

Here it is the end of the day and I still haven't posted about our weekend. Today was a mentally exhausting one, and although that sounds like an excuse, it is a good one. More tomorrow.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day 36 of 365

We are driving back from Angelo. I will post tomorrow qbout our busy weekend.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Day 35 of 365

OMG I feel like I could go to bed and sleep a week. We did the supper thing (pizza), then had extreme chocolate truffle cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Next it was present time and then the balloon pop game. Now the girls are giggling up a storm in the bedroom and Jim and I look like we have been through the ringer LOL Tomorrow would be a restful day except for the fact that we have to drive to San Angelo and back. Ready for Christmas break for sure! Have Emily's Christmas program then her Christmas party the next day. Have Jim's luncheon to make margarita truffles for this week as well. Ready for bed NOW

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 34 of 365

Been working my butt off all day long today. My feet are so swollen they look like elephant feet. Met one of Emmy's friends and her mom today since we are having the slumber party tomorrow. Then the girls decided to ask if she could stay the night. I said yes and they are behaving well. Love my angel, but sure ready for the party to be over already lol

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Day 33 of 365

Busy and Tired

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Day 32 of 365

So so tired. I had a nice visit with Bill earlier today as he stopped by and stayed a few hours. I also made a ton of ornaments. Tomorrow I have to go to Waco and pick up party stuff and then come home and clean like a mad woman!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 31 of 365

Have been freezing all day. Straightened up the house and made Christmas ornaments today. Don't have much to say these days.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Day 30 of 365

I was so dang tired last night that when I went to send my post to my blog from my phone I saved it in my drafts instead of sending it. I am going to back date this entry. Here is what it said:

Back of my neck is so dang tight tonight, I hate this. Took a muscle relaxer to try and get it to loosen up before bed. Here's hoping I can sleep :(

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Day 29 of 365

On our way to pick up Emmy Lou! We had a great breakfast at Sister's this morning and then went home to clean and wrap Christmas presents! Tomorrow will be writing out cards day and making our homemade ornaments for the exchange!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Day 28 of 365

Today was wonderful. Woke up in the arms of the man that I love with ever fiber of my being. Spent some good snuggle time, took a shower together, then got dressed and headed to Waco. We had brunch then got some Christmas shopping done. Came home to a package from Laurel with the homemade ornament she made for me :) Love good days!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Damn these mood swings :(
Got to thank the good Lord above for eye candy that makes you shiver!

Day 27 of 365

I just love how some people try to tell you what should and should not happen in your home. Yet if you mention anything about what should happen in their home, they FREAK OUT and act like you are the most controlling person in the world. HA! Look in the mirror :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Day 26 of 365

For some reason, these days I seem to be on an emotional rollercoaster. Jim thinks it may be early menopause. I have hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings and seem to ache for much of the time. Maybe it is early menopause. The funny thing is that even when I am crying during mood swings, I am still happier than I have ever been. I started taking the B12 sublinguals again today, hoping that may at least help with the energy issue. I have been taking the shots like clockwork, but I think I need a little boost.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 25 of 365

Planning to add in more B12 tomorrow. I just can't keep doing this no energy thing :(