Day 194 of 365

Yesterday I wrote about Kyle graduating from high school.  Today I ordered his graduation present.  I made a promise to him four years ago that if he graduated top of his class, he would get a Martin guitar as his graduation present.  Despite the odds being stacked against him, he persevered and he will walk across the stage in a little over a week as the valedictorian of the Crane High School Class of 2011.  Being able to keep this promise to him means so much to me. 

I can't think of one thing that my son loves more than music.  He listens to it, he plays it, he quotes it.  He picks up an instrument for the first time and can play it before you know it.  The talent flows through that child, er man.  He plays beautifully.  He taught himself how to play guitar, among other instruments.  When I am blessed enough to hear him play guitar, it sends chills through me. 

I can't think of one person that deserves to get something that they really want more than Kyle.  He has worked so hard for as long as I can remember.  I couldn't be more proud of him. 

I love you, Kyle.

Day 193 of 365

This afternoon was a time of reflection.  I received my oldest son's graduation announcement in the mail today.  That sounds so awful.  I received it IN THE MAIL.  I should be there with him, watching the excitement mount as he prepares to enter "the real world."  The reality is that he has been in the real world for much longer than any 18 year old should have been.  I have hated having to be so far away from him the past year and a half.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life here with Jim and Emily.  I just wish we could all be together.  I don't see that ever happening again on a long term basis.  I miss Kyle and Zach very much.  I looked at the announcement and the tears started to flow.  My beautiful little man is now all grown up, graduating top of his class and about to go off to college.  Seems like just yesterday that he made the comment to me "just think mom, it's only 7 years until I go off to college".  Wasn't that just yesterday?  Wasn't he just about to hit his "growth spurt" and shoot up about a foot over that summer?  Wasn't he just having his first crush?  Wasn't he still more interested in scooters and roller blades than girls and working?  You hear it from your parents growing up but never believe them when they say that it will go by so fast and you will just wonder where the time has gone.  I love you, son.

Kyle 2004

Kyle 2011

In the blink of an eye...

Day 38 of 365

I woke up this morning after getting barely any sleep the past few days. I know I have said it often over the last month or so but I am just so tired. Not sleeping much isn't helping, but I really believe it is more than that. I mentioned before that Jim seems to think I am going through early menopause. I don't know if that is it or not, but I am sure living all the symptoms. When I think about this I just get so pissed off. I am too young for it and yet had that idiotic doctor done his job, I would have been thrown into early menopause 3 1/2 years ago and would be done with the damn symptoms by now. Why is it that I am still so pissed off about the whole surgery situation? It's a fact of life, it happened and there is nothing that can be done about it. That whole deal just really hurt me mentally and physically. Mentally I sank into such a deep depression. I tried not to let it get to me, but it was just so far beyond my control. I was hurting so very much. I locked myself in my "woman cave" to avoid sharing my hurt with my children and husband at the time. I didn't want them to see me so upset and low. In locking myself away, I went from letting what the doctor did hurt them to what I was doing hurt them. They shouldn't have been hurting at all, but certainly not by my actions. By the time I did start to come out of it, I looked around and realized how quickly time was flying by me. I dedicated myself to getting Kyle to Europe and didn't think about much else. I worked my butt off subbing at school in the classroom and in the office. It was unfortunate that I had to be in the office because Melody was so sick, but it gave me steady work to keep the check coming in to make sure we could get him to experience this wonderful opportunity. When I wasn't working at school I was working to make truffles or bake cakes or pies or cookies, or whatever it took for bake sales to get the job done. I felt like where I had been lacking in mothering, I was making up for it now. Then this past year Kyle threw in my face that I had never been a mother to him. I may not have been the best mother ever, but I loved and nurtured him in every way that I could. We try to do better than our parents did and for a lot of people, they had supermom. I did not. I had to grow up early due to mom's mental illness so I didn't have the best role model for mothering. I did what I could as I could. No one can say I didn't love my children, I don't care what they say. I may not have been as good at the physical mothering but the emotional was always there. My heart has been broken a thousand times over this year by the loss of connection with Kyle. I have cried over it pretty much every day. I have tried to honor his wishes of not having a relationship with me right now to the best of my ability. How can I help him heal if he won't let me in? How are we supposed to either heal the our relationship, or at least let him come to a point where he can get some real closure if we can't talk about the big stuff? If I didn't love him, I would just walk away completely, I wouldn't be mourning what is essentially the loss of my son. I love all my children, each one more in different ways.